TO BE HONEST....

To be honest, I was so scared that not only Lucy wouldn't like me, but I was even more scared that I wouldn't attach to her in the same way a mother bonds to her birth child. Some of you know me pretty well, and others, not so much. I have admitted in the past that I am not very maternal. I do not gravitate towards children, and they really don't gravitate to me. Most of my adult life thus far has never consisted of the mission to have children, and adopting was NEVER an option. How in the world could I love someone else's child??? Just not going to happen. Well I am morphing into the woman that God wants me to be, I am open and letting him work in my heart and mind. Granted, I have a love for people, all people, but children have always been a little different. Ragen came along and turned my world upside down. I have become a "Momma Bear", a mother that would die in an instant for her child without hesitation...I would give anything for her. After learning about all the orphans with DS that are suffering in Eastern Europe, I couldn't help but think of my Ragen. What if it were her? What if she were born there? What if, what if, what if...hence the decision to adopt. But all along my biggest fear was, I won't bond, love, attach to this child because she is "not from me". It took God giving me a biological child to really and truly love children, all children, and especially a special love for children with DS. Lucy is not from my body, so what will I do if I do not "love" her like I love Ragen??? The fear was really overwhelming. I never have really talked about it openly, not even with Rob. I was embarrassed and ashamed...I was afraid of friends and family thinking, "why in the world is she adopting then?" But I trusted God. I knew that not only would He not leave us through this entire process, but I also trusted that He would provide EVERYTHING we would need to bring this child home, into a LOVING home. We all depend on God for the financial obligations, to make this process a smooth one, BUT, I wonder how many others might feel the way I did/do and that fear keeps them from taking a leap of faith, and really depending on God for EVERYTHING, including our feelings? I've prayed so hard through this process for God to provide a bond, a mother/child love, a love that I have for Ragen. I prayed non-stop when we landed on this soil, especially before we were to meet her. The minute I laid eyes on this child, God gave me the exact feeling that I had the minute I gave birth to Ragen. I loved her the exact same way. I loved her the minute I saw her and my love is growing each and every day. This provision from God has got to be the greatest gift He has given me throughout this entire process. I can't wait to see her, to touch her, to hug her, to give her kisses, to laugh with her, to feed her, to play with her, to hold her, to tell her I love her....all those things that I LOVE to do with Ragen. I am amazed that God has changed me so much, and He has provided EVERYTHING that we need to make our home a happy, nourishing, loving, God-filled environment. Thank you Lord. Thank you for my precious angels and I am so looking forward to see what you have in store for our future as a family!