THE BLESSINGS ALONG THE WAY

WOW...I think there's a long overdue post from me, huh! I guess I should make this a good one...

So, as you all know we began our adoption process the end of September. It's taking a little longer than we thought, mostly because of the holidays and Rob having to reschedule a homestudy visit, but we're moving along and so far no hiccups. Praise God. This isn't the only thing that I have to praise God for in regards to this whole journey. Our journey has been nothing short of amazing and filled with God's presence the entire time. Throughout my adult life, since I became "born again" (1996), I've always wondered and struggled wondering what my true purpose was, how can I really make a difference in this world? I think most of us have felt that at one time or another in our lives, and unfortunately I think a lot of people go their entire lives feeling that way. They search and search and search for the next 'feel good'. Focusing on themselves, money, their career, bouncing from relationship to relationship, bigger homes, more luxurious cars, cosmetic surgery, doing anything to improve their looks, even doing drugs or alcohol...all these surface 'feel goods'....all these things do not last....they never will, and most will only make you feel more empty. I used to be one of these people, I'm sad to say, but it's true. Going through life focusing on 'me' and what would make 'me' happy. As we all know what the world says, 'how can I make someone else happy if I'm not happy?' Well this way of living and thinking, as I mentioned, will only destroy a person and I was on the verge of destruction. Although I've always had the heart for those in need, I just always thought, "the problem is bigger than me, what could I possibly do to make a difference? nothing". And so I would resume living my life that was about me. Then I met my husband and 2 years after, the most beautiful person that I would ever know on this earth came into my world and saved me from myself. Something happens to a woman when she gives birth. The saying that to become a parent is to have your heart go walking around outside your body is nothing but the truth. To say that you would give your life for this little miracle is an understatement. I don't know what it's like to have a 'typical' developing child, but I have many friends that have both, 'typically' developing and 'chromosomally enhanced'. I think that it's safe to say that the bond you feel for the child with 'the little extra' is indescribable. It's almost magical. These children cause us to do things that we might not ever do. I know this is true of my Ragen. When I look at her I see something that I don't see in other people and it's not because she is my child, I see this in other children like her. It's almost like they wear their souls on the outside for all of us to see. And it's your choice to see it or not to see it. I know as a parent I choose to see it, I love to see it, I live to see it, I want to be around it, I want to learn from it, I want to grow from it, I want it to be an example to me and others, I want to share it. To be around Ragen and other children like her is transforming, and this is not a coincidence, this is God's plan. So when I came upon the Reece's Rainbow website, I was devastated to see these faces and to be come aware of the hardships these precious children were going through and the indescribable injustices being put upon them all because they were born as what the world sees as imperfect. It weighed heavily on my heart every day, and on Rob's as well. We knew we wanted to do something. When you see the photos of these children and read their stories, you can't help but imagine your own child living that way, because let's face it, our children are not easily accepted even here in the U.S., we still fight for their acceptance and equal treatment. So when you do envision your child being an RR child, it does something to you, at least it did to me. At the time of discovering RR, as most couples, we thought that there was no way that adoption could ever happen. "Our house is too small, 60K in debt, Rob hated his job, my health wasn't good, Ragen deserved ALL of me, our school district for special needs isn't ideal...", the list of reasons why we couldn't fathom adopting was endless....but the burden of these children still weighed oh so heavily on me and it wasn't going away but becoming stronger and stronger with each passing day. As the year progressed, as we struggled financially each and every month, living pay check to pay check, Rob began to see the light at the end of the long tunnel that he had been in for 2 years...he finally made a huge sale and we were about to reap the benifits...FINALLY! We had been in our home for over 3 years and needing more room, finishing our basement was at the top of the list...you know, thinking about ourselves again! I wanted an adequate play room for Ragen and where I could do ABA therapy, a 4th bedroom/office for Rob and a place for his family to sleep when they visited, a 4th bathroom, and of course a family room for parties...cuz it's all about me and what I need and want! We had a contractor come over and write up a floor plan and give us an estimate so we could get started at the first of the year. About a month or so after that initial meeting, I was on my way home from the grocery store. As I was sitting at a stop light about 3 minutes from home, I got slapped upside the head hard, God hit me with a brick, "What could I possibly be thinking!! Finish a basement or save a life?????!" This was the day that God revealed to me MY PURPOSE. As hard as the human, worldly side of me didn't want to give up my precious basement, I knew what I had to do. I got home and yelled up to Rob who was working in his office, I told him that the basement was off, that we had to take a leap of faith, it was time to commit to a child on RR. After a couple minutes of talking, my husband looked at me and told me that he had never loved me more than he did now, he loved the woman I was becoming. When I say this was a leap of faith, and I know that most or even all adopting families would agree with this description of moving forward to adopting a child, it was truly a leap of faith...we had no money accept the money to commit to a child and pay for the homestudy, but no money to pay for the adoption, and really no way of fund raising other than ask people for donations, and I was NOT comfortable with asking for money without giving something in return, because that was the way the world works, right? So I have my dresses that I make and sell on line. Well that wasn't going to work, unless I wanted bloody stumps for fingers and have the TV raise my child, not an option. But we both thought that if God put this on us to do, He would provide! And oh my, HE HAS PROVIDED AND KEEPS PROVIDING! The blessings that we have been given along the way are astounding. The people that have stepped up and given just even $5, it's all added up. I remember thinking when we began this process that our church would be a great resource....it's one of the largest churches in the world...why of course it would be a great resource, if not the best resource! Well, when I asked our pastor and compassion's ministry pastor for help, they had told me that the church couldn't help us other than prayer. Our church is so large and they are doing God's work in a global capacity, with over 15,000 attendees on one Sunday morning, with all the individual causes that there are within the church, they couldn't quite possibly help everyone, otherwise they wouldn't have the money to help in the global capacity that they are called to do. Although Rob and I understood that, we had a hard time with it, major disappointment to say the least. But we respected the decision and had to move on and find other avenues to raise the money for our adoption. I post my cause and plea for Melanie on Facebook several times a day, my pride has gone out the window...this is not about me, it's about an orphan whose life needs saving. I'm so blessed to have the friends that I have made on FB, the endless support, the reposting of our donation link, the home businesses that some have offered their proceeds from to our funds, and the donations, even if it's been just $5, it has all added up, and I have appreciated every single cent. The money was coming in, but very slowly, so of course we were getting a little nervous, wondering if this was what God really wanted us to do. Shortly before Christmas, we had gotten some pretty large donations and from unexpected places and I know my own family has donated, though they are adament about being anonymous (they are very humble & private people). I remember in the beginning of the process, Andrea from RR telling me that Christmas would be a great time to raise the money. I was beginning to believe it! A couple weeks before Christmas we were a little over $13,000. We stayed there for 2 weeks. New Years Day, I got an email from Michelle the donations coordinator from RR telling me that we had received a $5000 donation on New Years Eve. I read that, re read it and re read it, the email came at 1:00 am, I woke Rob up to tell him. I was thrilled to pieces!! Although donations are anonymous, I did ask Michelle if she could tell me who it was from. Low and behold, the largest donation we had ever had came from someone we don't know, but it was someone from our church!!! So even though we were so disappointed that we coudn't solicit help from our church, the one donation that really put us in a very comfortable place came from our church anyway!!!! That was God doin His thing! I was so excited the next day, I was just reeling! As Rob and I were on our way to church for Kirk Franklin concert the next day, I called my mom to tell her the good news. My mother had spent New Years Eve with Rob and I just hanging out playing games and talking. When I called her to tell her the good news, for some reason it prompted her to tell me something that I had been waiting to hear from her for easily over 30 years. Something that I had lived with almost all my life, a burden that no child would ever want to live with, the burden of thinking I was never wanted. My mother and father divorced when I was 13. Their relationship was not good, I could never remember them being happy. I remember being told that when I was born, my mother went to work, I was told that she didn't want to be around me. But that wasn't true, she just didn't have a healthy relationship with my father and after raising 3 other daughters that were all 8+ years older than me, by the time I came along, she needed to get out of the house for her own mental health, it had nothing to do with me. We joked about this on New Years Eve, talking about how I was an accident, I wasn't really wanted (I was joking about it, even though deep down in my heart, it hurt me all my life, but at 41 years old, what are you gonna do? You just try to move on). When I called my mother to tell her this news about the $5000 donation, she got silent, I could tell she was about to cry (she is NOT a crier or emotional at all, neither am I, but God is changing that in me too). She mentions our conversation the previous night, about me not being wanted, she then starts to cry and says that that wasn't true, SHE DID WANT ME!!!! I lost my mind! The tears were endless!! I couldn't believe that after 30 years of thinking I was a mistake, I was being told by the only person that could convince me otherwise that it wasn't true! I felt a 3000 lb weight that I know I carried around with me lift from my shoulders almost immediately, because a mother's love is so very powerful even after 41 years. I felt lighter, I felt free. Finally. I know my relationship with my mother is changing and evolving to be the relationship that God wants for both me and her. A relationship that I've always wanted with her! Why did this happen? Why now? God was timing this perfectly. I am about to become a mother again, I am giving of myself and finally taking the focus off of me, it was time to be set free from the chains of thinking I didn't belong on this earth. I found my purpose, I know why I'm here, I know I can make a difference in this world. God is changing me because I see it now and so do others, especially my mom. So not only have I been freed from chains and shackles that I've carried around most of my life since this whole adoption process began, but Rob was also freed from shackles and chains that he was carrying around too in his professional life. He was working in a very unhealthy environment for 2 years and needed so desperately to get out. Although he was afraid to start investigating other job opportunities thinking that there wouldn't be any that would fit. Not only did he find opportunities, but he had 3 job offers on the table within a month! He has begun a new job January 3, and is so exicited! My health is so much better, FINALLY found a wonderful doctor that has been working with me AND, the 60K credit card debt that we had, will be gone in a couple months!! These are the things that can happen when you take a leap of faith. I'm not saying that life will be perfect, but I am saying that God will help you through it and he will provide somehow someway. People often say that they wish they were rich or they would win the lottery. I don't. If you had all the riches in the world, God wouldn't be able to touch as many people. God wouldn't be able to provide the way He does. God wouldn't be able to work in as many people's hearts the way He does. And the heart of a person is what matters most. If we all take the focus off ourselves (which is always a work in progress!) when we are searching for the next 'feel good', give of yourself til it hurts, you will feel more fulfillment than you could have ever imagined...God's blessings are far beyond our comprehension....

I am not sure what God has in store for us...but I believe Ragen was the beginning and Melanie is part of a bigger picture...it is slowly being revealed.

I am changing...I like this new person...all because of The 21st Chromosome....A Blessing in Disguise