Monday, December 17, 2012

A Beautiful Revelation....God's BIGGER Plan....

Well, it sure has been quite a while since "I" have blogged. Rob had to take over for awhile...my heart hasn't been in it. I usually joke about how terrible of a blogger that I am, I admit, it's not my favorite thing to do, but when I'm passionate about a subject, you will hear from me. I haven't been passionate for a while, I have been distant, distant about adoption, distant about what I truly feel to the depth of my bones is my "calling". This is something that is very hard for me to admit....but pride is my enemy...God has worked slowly in me and in Rob....but mostly me. So here I am, finally after MONTHS of not blogging, you are hearing from me, Deanna.

I've been grateful that Rob has taken the reigns when it has come to this particular area of our lives....to share with you all where we are, what has happened, and where we are trying to go. I have not had the words, I haven't been able to feel anything much, other than sorrow, loss, disappointment, confusion, some anger, embarrassment and humiliation....those are all things that I'm sure you don't want to read about! So I let Rob take over...he's so gifted with his ability to express himself and yes, he did speak for me a little, he was accurate in his descriptions of what I was going through....so it was ok with me. It's been over 4 months since we've been home...I think I still struggle some days, but now that I know what I know today, the Gift of God's revelation to me, my days of struggle are fewer and fewer. I think about "her" every day...about "Harper", that was going to be her name, Harper (birth name for a middle name) Sader. I think about her and what she is doing, what she is "getting into" as she was such a "Go Getter"! LOL!! I think about her funny smiles, her silliness, her need for affection, her desire for chocolate (:-)), the ugly doll that she ripped the leg off of and didn't want anything to do with the new one we bought her, her HUGE HUGS, but most of all, her need for a family. It was devastating at first for me, for a long time, the guilt and anger I had....but I LOVE my husband and I trust him to lead our family....that doesn't mean that I don't or won't feel anger toward him when I don't understand why he does what he does, but I KNOW that he always consults God, he never makes moves lightly and is NEVER impulsive, so with his decision to not move forward was no different....I had to trust and support it....even though I was angry and frustrated.

We've all been there....we've all had plans and dreams not go through. When visions and dreams that we work toward for months and even years don't pan out for whatever reason, we don't understand it, the loss that we feel can sometimes be incomprehensible. Especially when you believe in God, your plan aligns with His Word, you feel to the depths of your soul that you are doing what He wants you to do, you've consulted and prayed to Him day in and day out....and then....He brings you to the place where you have been dreaming about for months, and pulls a Switch-A-Roo. We felt like the rug had been pulled out from under our feet! It wasn't going to happen, Charity wasn't our "Harper", she wasn't to be our daughter AFTER ALL! It was pure craziness to me, to us. But as a Believer and follower of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we hung onto the "He has a Plan" "Trust in Him" "A Plan will be revealed"....we clung to those words, I CLUNG to those words and begged for His plan to be revealed...I prayed for it every day. I had no idea why He would bring us across the globe to meet this precious little girl and then tell us that she is not ours. I couldn't fathom it, but I prayed that His reasons were and had to be good! And they were good...they are good...

We came home, I went into hiding for a little while...used an alias too! I didn't want to hear and read the criticisms from anyone, even though I felt I deserved it. I went into a depression....Rob and I went to see our counselor who is also a devout Christian and he really helped us, helped me. But Rob was not in a good place right when we came home...so I had to hold him up for a few weeks...then it was my turn. All I could think of was that we LEFT AN ORPHAN BEHIND!!! WHAT IS GOING TO COME OF HER!!?!??! I WILL DIE IF SHE GOES TO AN INSTITUTION!!! HOW SELFISH COULD I BE!!?!?! I DIDN'T FIGHT ROB HARD ENOUGH!!! All these thoughts day in and day out...it was horrible. I felt I was living a well-deserved nightmare. The only thing that saved me during those days was the mission I had to find her forever family, to answer any questions any prospective parent that was interested in adopting Charity had. I was more than willing to be open and honest, to have candid conversations about our journey to those that were interested in her.  I told RR about her, to update her description on the website. A good friend that met her had such a different description of her, it was amazing to see how much she changed in only a year. I know that RR does all they can to have accurate & updated descriptions of the children, but obviously that is hard to do. I was thankful that finally Charity would have an updated description of her so that the family that committed to her would be able to envision her properly in their family and know that she would be a good fit.  She is an energetic little girl that is very smart and learns quickly. Unfortunately, Lucy and Ragen are very passive children and I/we were afraid that Charity would not get the stimulation that she needed and deserved if she joined our little family....there were other reasons, but that was one that I had running through my mind. After her profile with RR had been updated, I had many people contact me asking about her. It was a blessing to be able to share our experiences with her and her awesome personality. We took a TON of video, more video than we took of Lucy, and I'm glad we did. I was able to share that video with perspective parents. That was a blessing to be able to do that. I never imagined that I would be using what I thought was going to be our own personal memories, the photos and videos, to find her mommy and daddy.





After a month or so of being home, I was connected to a Mom that had just come home from the "U" in the spring....she and her hubby adopted two children! We talked many many times. They have 6 beautiful children, including their recently adopted children. I remember Andrea saying that she felt a "calling" a pull toward Charity, but wasn't sure if they could really make it happen. Obviously she has her hands full!! She shared with her husband Charity's profile and they prayed about her and prayed for God's direction. Within weeks of her and I having our first conversation, she and her husband committed to Charity! I was THRILLED TO MILLIONS OF PIECES!!! Also knowing that Charity will have brothers and sisters to play with and to show her things makes my heart sing praises! Now, I won't lie, there was a tiny piece of my heart that also ached, only a little. I remember thinking to myself once we got home that the day a family commits to her would be the day that I would feel free....or at least a little less guilty. But when that day came, I didn't feel that way. Harper was my daughter for well over a year, maybe even two. Remember, she appeared on the RR website shortly after we committed to Lucy....I thought to myself then that if we hadn't committed to Lucy, that Charity would be our daughter instead. I've always thought about her and watched to see if anyone was interested in her or if she was on the MFFM page....it never happened so when Rob and I agreed to adopt again, I thought it was a no-brainer, Charity was my daughter all along and that is why no one ever went to get her. So when Andrea said that they were committing to her, a part of my heart definitely broke....I mean, what kind of mother would I be if I didn't hurt just a tiny bit? But that brokenness DID heal...

 ....the healing REALLY began after I got a message from Andrea saying, "did you see our FSP?".....

I thought, OH YEAH, someone gave them a $5000 donation, or even $100000!! NOt that they need $10,000, but that's where my brain went immediately.

So I checked their FSP...and this is what I saw....





So, are you following me?!

God knew what He was doing all along.... Charity was to go home, but she was to go home with a SISTER! MASHA! Masha is living in a mental institution. She is almost 10 years old and seriously on borrowed time. God knew that Rob and I couldn't bring home a child older than Ragen...as most of you know that Ragen has many other challenges other than Down syndrome. But He DID know that the Watkins family could and would. He knew that all along....He knew that the day I saw Charity's photo on the RR website and He knew when I said to myself that I wanted her to be mine....HE KNEW ALL ALONG!

So THAT was God's plan....God brought Rob and I across the world to see a little girl that would fit BETTER in another family....

He brought us there so we would share our journey, so that we would be obedient and let her go to another....

God knew....

He always knows...

Please help the Watkins family bring home their precious DAUGHTERS. They need our help...as you know, and if you don't, all donations are tax deductible. This is a great way to get some year-end donations for tax purposes in. This is a superb way to give back, to give during the Christmas Season, this is what Jesus is about....to care for the orphan and widow....to bring an orphan home is the most spectacular experience I have ever had, and to be part of it is just as spectacular....please help and be part of God's plan...click on the link below to help.


http://reecesrainbow.org/47220/sponsorwatkins

1 comment:

  1. How did I miss this absolutely beautiful post?!? You, my friend, DO have a way with words!! I was blessed to witness the beginnings of the healing of your heart...your beautiful heart. Praising God that HE used you and Rob as His tools to save TWO girls!

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