A GIFT AND A REVELATION

Things have been very trying, but I'm doing everything I can possibly do as a mother of 2 toddlers with special needs. I'm exhausted by 6 pm! I know it will pay off, it seems to be already, although very little right now, but I'll take it and I'm grateful for it. I am now believing that bringing Lucy home was a wake-up call. Not only did God want us to rescue this little girl, but He also used this little girl to rescue Ragen in a way. I always knew that Ragen had difficulties when it came to her Autism, but I know that I was is a bit in denial...almost like 'if I ignore it, it will go away on it's own', but unfortunately Autism doesn't work that way, it only gets worse if it's not addressed and I definitely wasn't addressing it in all the ways I could have and should have. I know I relied on the school too much to 'turn her around' and if they didn't step up in the ways I wanted them to, I would have someone else to blame if 'I lost her'. I was doing some things, but not everything that I could be doing prior to Lucy coming home. The closer the time came for us to be ending our adoption journey, the more inadequate I was feeling about being a mother as I watched Ragen seeming to be slipping away. The adoption was going to happen regardless of my insecurities...I gave them to God every day, praying He would take care of my 'stinkin thinkin' somehow someway. The time approaches for us to travel to a far away place to bring our daughter home...a girl we had been dreaming of for a couple years now, well, at least I had been dreaming of her for that long. Little did I realize that once again God was sending me another angel from half way across the world to save me, just has He had sent her older sister almost 5 years ago to change me in ways I had never dreamt of. I began to see that I was not saving her, but she was saving me...this new little one showed me that Ragen needed me in big ways, ways that I hadn't been there before. I had always knew that there were differences between Ragen and other children with just Down syndrome, but I don't think I really SAW it. We'd have playdates, I'd see her at school every now and then for brief periods, at church, but then we would go home, shut the door from the world outside and forget what we witnessed or didn't witness. Now along comes Lucy and I can no longer 'shut the door'. Lucy is here to stay and with her here, she has really helped me to 'SEE' Ragen and 'SEE' the differences, and 'SEE' that she needs the extra help from ME, not anyone else, but ME, her momma. The first couple of weeks that Lucy was home was very hard. I kept saying that Ragen was being so difficult and she was having such a hard time adjusting, but if I were to be honest, it was me that was having the hard time really 'SEEING' my daughter for the first time and knowing that I could not run anymore, nor could I give her to someone else to fix, nor was it going to go away....SHE NEEDED MY INTERVENTION, the intervention only a mother can give. So I got up off my butt, stopped whining (although I still whine every now and then :-D), and started exhausting all my resources to find out what I can do as her mother to make her feel better and help her progress as quickly as she can and as quickly as she wants to. I've changed her diet 100% (and thank GOD she is eating it...some things are a little strange, but they fit the bill and she is eating it...PTL!!), changed laundry soap, shampoos, and in the process of ridding my cabinet under the sink of all chemical cleaners. Figured out what type of regulation techniques to use on her based on the stimming she is doing and what time of day it is. I pray to God each and every day and throughout the day, to give me patience, wisdom, peace and for Him to love her through me. I give Him all my insecurities that I have as a mother to have Him fill in the blanks because she is His daughter and I am only taking care of her for Him while she and I are on this earth together.

Yesterday and today God gave me a glimpse, a little reward for all the work, HE LET ME SEE MY GIRL!!!...I got to see into her sparkling eyes as she smiled back at ME, and not just smile into space at nothing. The photo above is the proof. It was the most beautiful moment I had had in a long time with her....what a gift He gave me...

Yeah life is definitely difficult right now and God never promises that it will be easy, but the difficulties and the trials come with GREAT rewards. The kind of rewards that are little to most people, but not to me, and they are priceless. I think God is pleased and I thank Him for many things, but right now I'm really thanking Him for sending me this angel named Lucy...she helped me to find Ragen....

I AM SO BLESSED...